Nephy's Whack Friday
by Adrastia
Summary: Nephrite cruises through town one Friday evening and stumbles upon a crime operation.


It was friday night and Nephrite was a tad bored so he decided to take his penis extension, err... car out for a spin. So there he was, rollin' down the street, smokin' indo, sippin on gin and juice when he saw HER! Nephrite's jaw dropped and he began to scan the gorgeous babe on the corner of 36th and Dime Box (which is incendently also the name of a lovely town in texas).  
  
Now Nephy, who always had his mind on his money and his money on his mind went ahead and whipped out his cash fat wallet and pulled out a big wad of dough. He pulled up to the corner and flashed his cash.  
  
"Hey hon," Nephrite said, grinning. "How about a one man party with Nephy?"  
  
The woman walked over to Neph's fly sportscar and leaned over the rolled down window, granting him a nice view of her nicely sized assets.  
  
"Lookin' for a good time tonight?" She asked seductively.  
  
"Oh yeah," Nephrite said, grinning again. "Get in and climb aboard Nephrite's love train to paradise!"  
  
The woman was about to get into the car when the door to the 7th Heaven bar flew open.  
  
"You been cutting me short Aya!" He roared. "The hell's my #&@* money?!"  
  
"Richter... I, I swear..." Aya began as she opened the passenger side door and screamed "step on it!" When Nephrite didn't move fast enough Aya floored the gas herself.  
  
Nephrite yelled as he grabbed the wheel. "What the-"  
  
"Look," Aya said. "Just drive ok! Hurry!"  
  
"Ok babe," Nephrite said. "I'm not one to turn down a babe as hot as you. Just don't get me mixed up in anything."  
  
Aya was about to speak when suddenly the loud screech of tires and incoherrant profanity filled the air.  
  
Neph checked the rearview mirror and gasped. It was Richter speeding behind them in a huge pink caddilac with bull horns mounted on the hood.  
  
"It's too late!" Aya yelled. "Floor it!"  
  
Nephrite stepped on the gas. Richter screamed out a few more curses then stuck his arm out the window. He was holding an AK-47.  
  
"Oh my god!" Nephrite screamed as he checked the rearview again. "He's got the biggest #*!!@& gun I've ever seen!"  
  
Aya shook her head. "Just as I thought... This isn't good!"  
  
"What's going on?" Nephrite asked as he sped up to 80.  
  
"I guess I'd better tell you...," Aya said, flashing her badge. "I'm an undercover cop. Aya Brea, N.Y.P.D. I'm currently on a case involving a pimp named Richter Belmont. We have reason to believe that he's been killing innocent vampires for power trips."  
  
"That sadistic pig!" Nephrite said in disgust. Just then Richter opened fire. Bullets sprayed the trunk of Nephrite's car. "Ahh! My car! I just got it waxed!"  
  
Suddenly Richter gained speed and came up along side Nephrite's car. "I'm gonna bust a cap in your ass biotch! Give me my money! No one holds out on Richter Belmont!" He screamed, adding some obscenities for good measure. Then he raised the AK again.  
  
"Oh my god!" Aya yelled. "Duck!"  
  
Nephrite gasped as they both took cover. He swerved to the right as a hail of bullets sprayed out of Richter's AK. Nephrite began to cry.  
  
The swerve Nephrite had took led into a narrow alley. He crashed into a huge pile of boxes and a dumpster, all while still crying over his wrecked car.  
  
"Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!" Nephy yelled, hyperventilating.  
  
"Did we lose him?" Aya asked, peering cautiously out of the window.  
  
Richter was still speeding towards the alley firing his AK and screaming. But his big pink caddy was too big to fit through such a narrow space and sparks flew as the caddy grinded against the alley's walls.  
  
"Hurry!" Aya yelled, grabbing Nephy.  
  
"My car...," Nephrite sobbed. "My... My car!"  
  
Aya had to drag Nephrite from the wreck kicking and screaming like a big baby.  
  
Richter was still cursing and yelling. His fly pink caddy was badly damaged and he was severely pissed. He grabbed his AK and stormed off.  
  
"I think we lost him...," Aya said. "Are you ok?"  
  
"Yeah...," Nephrite said, still sobbing over his car. "What now?"  
  
Before Aya could answer the night sky grew darker as a loud, thundering noise was heard. It looked as if some sort of dimensional gate had opened up. A huge pagoda could bee seen through the gate and soon the head of some over-armored samurai appeared as well.  
  
The samurai started spewing something about the Dynasty ruling the world when all of the sudden a teenage boy in white armor appeared.  
  
"Oh god! Could this evening get any worse?" Nephrite exclaimed. By now he had one hell of a headache and would much rather be relaxing at home.  
  
The white armored teen was Ryo. He was hot on the trail of Tulpa, the leader of the tin can army, err... the Dynasty.  
  
"You're going down Tulpa!" Ryo yelled in his usual self-rightious, I-rule- you-suck- voice. He then turned to Nephrite and Aya."You two better get out of here. It's too dangerous for you!"  
  
Well that really got to Nephrite. He didn't appreciate being told what to do by snotty kids in clunky tin can armor (he was much more comfortable being told what to do by bitchy evil queens dressed like Elvira).  
  
"Hey kid!" Nephrite began. "Don't be tellin' me what's too dangerous!"  
  
Aya glanced to the left and saw a familiar figure coming towards them. "Nephrite!" She screamed.  
  
"Not now! I'm busy!" Nephrite said. He then turned back to Ryo. "I get beat up by 14 year old girls in sailor suits nearly every day of my life and you have the nerve to-"  
  
"Nephy!" Aya screamed, pointing to the left.  
  
"I'm busy here!" He said, annoyed. "You know Aya, for a hot chick you sure are rude!"  
  
"Dammit you moron!" Aya yelled. "Turn around!" She then grabbed his shoulder and forced him in Richter's direction.  
  
"What the...! Not him again! You @*!#!&%! You ruined my car!" Nephrite yelled.  
  
Richter flashed a crazed glance at Nephrite. "Your car? He said. What about my car? And that bitch has my money!"  
  
He was about to shoot again when Tulpa called forth Sekmet, warlord of venom. He appeared in armor equally as clunky as Ryo's.  
  
He yelled out "Snake fang strike!" The resulting attack causing Richter to drop his gun.  
  
Aya quickly grabbed it and pointed it at Richter. "Guess who's under arrest?!" She said, flashing her lovely smile.  
  
Meanwhile, Nephrite had just about enough of this nonsense. He wasn't about to let a guy wearing armor that looked like it was made of purple painted canned goods get the best of him. He glanced at his red epaulettes (which were really summon materia. Kunzite's blue epaulettes were support materia for his huge ego. But that's another story). He had Gemini eqipped to his left epaulette but he didn't feel like listening to them bicker like last time. The right epalette was equipped with a brand-new summon materia that he had just traded a very rare super-neo-holo ultimate surfing pikachu card for.  
  
Concentrating, Nephrite called forth the dreaded Jigglypuff. For some strange reason though Nephrite didn't diappear when he summoned it.  
  
Everyone stared at the sickeningly cute Kirby wannabe with the little mic.  
  
Jigglypuff hopped up on the hood of an old blue camero and started to sing into the mic. "Jigglypuff, jigglyyypuff. Jigglypuff, jigglyyypufff..."  
  
Then everone started to get sleepy. Including Aya and Nephrite.  
  
Aya nearly fell over from the power of Jigglypuff's song.Nephrite was going to leave her and get the hell out of there but he had one of those "soft hearted villain" moments he was prone to and couldn't bear to leave her. Besides, she was hot.  
  
He picked her up and struggled to stay awake as he tried to escape the range of Jigglypuff's singing. As he passed by the dumpster of the local McDonald's he noticed that he no longer heard Jigglypuff. He placed Aya on the ground and nudged her.  
  
"Wake up Aya," he said. "It's over now, I think."  
  
"Mmm... Nephrite?" She whispered, rubbing her eyes.  
  
"Yeah babe," he said. "How 'bout that date now hmm? Since you aren't really a ho I couldn't charge."  
  
"I'm afraid not Neph," Aya said, taking a pair of handcuffs out from between her ample cleavage.  
  
"You're into bondage honey?" Nephrite said, eyes widening. "Hey, I can get into that."  
  
"No," Aya said. "You are under arrest for soliciting a prostitute!"  
  
"But... But you're a cop!" Nephrite pleaded as Aya slapped the cuffs on.  
  
"That's the worst part! You tried to solicite an undercover cop you pig!"  
  
Nephrite mumbled something about not being able to understand women as he was dragged down to the station and booked.  
  
"How about another date sometime babe?" Nephrite pleaded in desperation.  
  
"I'll have to check my schedule," Aya replied with a small laugh as the door to Nephrite's cell slammed shut.  
  
Nephrite found himself amidst a jailed biker gang. A huge bald guy covered in leather and tattoos came up to him. "So...," he asked. "What are you in for?"  
  
Nephrite just stared at him for a few seconds then fainted dead away, smiling as he dreamt of driving his fabulous car.  
  
~Fin~ 


End file.
